What the hell...?
DISCLAIMER: Read at your own risk. If there's anything I wrote that you don't like, then I HATE YOU!
Due to TGE's latest post, (and I'm thinking it's the Thanksgiving Turkey with the brandy he's been drinkin's finally starting to kick in) I thought I'd write a nice little piece of my own.
Since most Americans celebrated Thanksgiving Day over the day yonder, let's start by paying homage to the invented tradition by buying every Native American stuck in a gambling casino on a reservation a free drink instead of giving them Food and Wood. For a tradition where we say we ate with Native Americans, we sure aren't eating with them on Thanksgiving Day nowadays. Makes you think, doesn't it? Anyways, giving them free booze, that'll surely win them over to our cause! Hell, they don't take any pop cap, and might help us fight our war with Iraq. I mean the Ottomans. I mean... blah, whatever.
Buffalo, being fiercely treasured by most nomadic tribes, should cause any hunting of them to have any Natives allied to your so-called civilization to rebel. Thus, you will have to use your Bead and Drink card for your next Home City shipment to quell the rebellion (or the Small Pox card, but that's just vile rumor). I have to admit, sailing 2,750 miles in two months to bring a measely shipment of crates of 600 Wood is hardly worth getting excited over (pun was intended). I guess that's why the slave trade was so lucrative. Who doesn't use the free vils, honestly? But shouldn't the pictures of them be of black people? Oh, right, let's not go there! I wouldn't want to make some ES white man angry, or else they'll turn red like the natives, or a Korean when drunk. But you can't turn them black, ohhh no.
You can tell the people at ES aren't environmental enthusiasts. Whaling gives an unlimited supply of Gold. Except, whales aren't unlimited (except for Native Americans, they can hunt whales forever). Plus, four boats to one whale is too conservative a number. Liberals like to float their boat with more than four at one time.
Getting back to Koreans, thank God they didn't participate in this highly anticipated sequel. A civilization full of people like Iamgrunt would have annoyed the bejesus out of them warmongers who liked to march out on open fields wearing red to shoot each other. Well, I guess the Koreans were busy making Kimchee and trying to make wearing those Mickey Mouse hats look fashionable. You know what I'm talking about!
Had the British known Longbowmen would have been more effective than Musketeers, Great Britain might be even Greater today, and the arms race would have been all about sticks and stones, and nothing short of broken bones. I mean, c'mon, what's the fun of war if you keep winning? It's not like you get to rape and pillage the women afterwards... Damn, those days must have been some good times. Nowadays we only get to rape the men, and pillage the fellow soldier, but don't ask, don't tell! Just capture the Kodak moment on your cell phone's digital camera to show your grandkids all about it.
Everyone back then thought the French were Overpowered, too. Not like the French we see these days, where all they spew instead of enemy's guts is nonsense about liberty and freedom. WTF is all that about? Fuckin' Pansies. J/k, I love the French, especially their women.
Spanish women, though... man, they're hot. Portuguese women aren't all bad, either. Nothing gets me hornier than thinking about women I'll never get to have sex with. It's depressing. Oh geez, oh man! To have been a Dutch-Korean hittin' and runnin' some poor Spanish Rodelero and then gettin' some with his hawt lady at home just gets my juices flowin'! Nowadays I'm hittin' on the ladies, and runnin' away while she starts yabbering about some weird shit. Does that seem right to you?
One thing I'll never understand is Russia. Did they come across the Russian-Alaska land bridge? I mean, WTF! And who taught those poor bastards how to fight? Since when would a single Strelet have ever lived to be "upgraded"? Were they always horrible fighters even until WW II? They have such a large land, but I guess no one likes to invade cold places. That's why Canada is still Canada, eh?
Also, sheep pens. WTF! The only ones who'd want sheep are New Zealanders, and they ain't in this game. I'm not even sure if New Zealand is still a country, do they even have an army? Seems more like a large land full of sheep and ale, and with a mix of those two, you don't even want to know! I mean, what's a Zealand anyway? Sealand mis-spelled to sound cooler, like what we do with "playerz" and such? Perhaps "Zea" is how you pronounce "Sheep" in New Zealand speak. You know I love you guys, and your sheep! Sheared sheep are so soft. But I wouldn't know! Ahem.
Fuck this, I'm bored. Let's play some more games where I do nothing different to win, and do something different to lose.
Due to TGE's latest post, (and I'm thinking it's the Thanksgiving Turkey with the brandy he's been drinkin's finally starting to kick in) I thought I'd write a nice little piece of my own.
Since most Americans celebrated Thanksgiving Day over the day yonder, let's start by paying homage to the invented tradition by buying every Native American stuck in a gambling casino on a reservation a free drink instead of giving them Food and Wood. For a tradition where we say we ate with Native Americans, we sure aren't eating with them on Thanksgiving Day nowadays. Makes you think, doesn't it? Anyways, giving them free booze, that'll surely win them over to our cause! Hell, they don't take any pop cap, and might help us fight our war with Iraq. I mean the Ottomans. I mean... blah, whatever.
Buffalo, being fiercely treasured by most nomadic tribes, should cause any hunting of them to have any Natives allied to your so-called civilization to rebel. Thus, you will have to use your Bead and Drink card for your next Home City shipment to quell the rebellion (or the Small Pox card, but that's just vile rumor). I have to admit, sailing 2,750 miles in two months to bring a measely shipment of crates of 600 Wood is hardly worth getting excited over (pun was intended). I guess that's why the slave trade was so lucrative. Who doesn't use the free vils, honestly? But shouldn't the pictures of them be of black people? Oh, right, let's not go there! I wouldn't want to make some ES white man angry, or else they'll turn red like the natives, or a Korean when drunk. But you can't turn them black, ohhh no.
You can tell the people at ES aren't environmental enthusiasts. Whaling gives an unlimited supply of Gold. Except, whales aren't unlimited (except for Native Americans, they can hunt whales forever). Plus, four boats to one whale is too conservative a number. Liberals like to float their boat with more than four at one time.
Getting back to Koreans, thank God they didn't participate in this highly anticipated sequel. A civilization full of people like Iamgrunt would have annoyed the bejesus out of them warmongers who liked to march out on open fields wearing red to shoot each other. Well, I guess the Koreans were busy making Kimchee and trying to make wearing those Mickey Mouse hats look fashionable. You know what I'm talking about!
Had the British known Longbowmen would have been more effective than Musketeers, Great Britain might be even Greater today, and the arms race would have been all about sticks and stones, and nothing short of broken bones. I mean, c'mon, what's the fun of war if you keep winning? It's not like you get to rape and pillage the women afterwards... Damn, those days must have been some good times. Nowadays we only get to rape the men, and pillage the fellow soldier, but don't ask, don't tell! Just capture the Kodak moment on your cell phone's digital camera to show your grandkids all about it.
Everyone back then thought the French were Overpowered, too. Not like the French we see these days, where all they spew instead of enemy's guts is nonsense about liberty and freedom. WTF is all that about? Fuckin' Pansies. J/k, I love the French, especially their women.
Spanish women, though... man, they're hot. Portuguese women aren't all bad, either. Nothing gets me hornier than thinking about women I'll never get to have sex with. It's depressing. Oh geez, oh man! To have been a Dutch-Korean hittin' and runnin' some poor Spanish Rodelero and then gettin' some with his hawt lady at home just gets my juices flowin'! Nowadays I'm hittin' on the ladies, and runnin' away while she starts yabbering about some weird shit. Does that seem right to you?
One thing I'll never understand is Russia. Did they come across the Russian-Alaska land bridge? I mean, WTF! And who taught those poor bastards how to fight? Since when would a single Strelet have ever lived to be "upgraded"? Were they always horrible fighters even until WW II? They have such a large land, but I guess no one likes to invade cold places. That's why Canada is still Canada, eh?
Also, sheep pens. WTF! The only ones who'd want sheep are New Zealanders, and they ain't in this game. I'm not even sure if New Zealand is still a country, do they even have an army? Seems more like a large land full of sheep and ale, and with a mix of those two, you don't even want to know! I mean, what's a Zealand anyway? Sealand mis-spelled to sound cooler, like what we do with "playerz" and such? Perhaps "Zea" is how you pronounce "Sheep" in New Zealand speak. You know I love you guys, and your sheep! Sheared sheep are so soft. But I wouldn't know! Ahem.
Fuck this, I'm bored. Let's play some more games where I do nothing different to win, and do something different to lose.
posted by El_Capitan (a.k.a. Scrubs) at 12:33 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home